…here are a few of the jokes I did:

“Some people look at my mustache and say, ‘You look like an 80’s porn star.’ To which I respond, ‘Um, better than an 80’s porn extra.’ Pretty smooth huh? Smoother than their upper lip. Ouch.”

“It is my opinion that you shouldn’t become roommates with someone who is your friend. Likewise, you probably shouldn’t marry someone you love. Either way, you’ll just -BLEEP- it up.”

“I haven’t had much luck in the ladies department in a while. Probably something about me not having a job…or money..or a life. Or living with my parents. I don’t know, I stopped trying to understand women a long time ago. And some people will suggest to me dating sites….I don’t think it’s quite for me. But I say, if you’re gonna date online. Go all out. Meet someone online, date them online, have sex with them online. Get married, have kids, hate your inlaws, and finally get divorced online.”

“I like when a waitress asks if me and my buddy are ‘together’, cuz then I don’t have to tip her.”